“I am going to go for a walk,” said one of the ICU nurses to her supervisor. “OK, just so long as you come back!,” he replied with a twinkle in his eye. I have many thoughts about my first over night hospital shift in 22 years, but above all else I hope to describe the courage that I felt from those around me. Nelson Mandela famously said, “ I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
In the COVID ICU no one is worried that they might be exposed to virus, for there is an absolute certainty that they will. The constant mindset is how can I take care of these patients without contracting the virus myself? IV poles are hung outside of rooms, the tubing extended and draped from a hook in the ceiling as if creating some macabre maypole. This allows manipulation of flow rates, medicine administration and alarm evaluations to be done without donning the scarce PPE (personal protective equipment) which is so vital to the health of the workers. One of the nurses is not even assigned to take care of patients. That nurse’s sole job is to make sure that when someone enters a room, they have appropriately applied their PPE and are safe to proceed. They then act as a runner to bring anything to that person if needed. The ICU has video monitors so that the critical care doctor can look at the patient. The ventilator and its monitors can also be seen this way without entering the room.
Last night I was assigned to cover a certain portion of the ICU. After completing a note on a new admission, I went down to talk to the nurses and ask them to tell me about the patients that they were taking care of. There were elderly people on ventilators as we would be expected but the 25 year old fighting for his life, slowly getting worse was a chilling reminder of how serious this illness can be.
After telling me of her patients, I looked oen nurse in the eyes and asked how she was doing. She responded that there is not a day that goes by that she doesn’t think about how she can get out of her job and not come to work. She was still struggling with the death of a patient earlier this week. She then steadied her chin and said, “it is my faith that gets me through.” She said that she does not understand God’s plan for her in all of this, at least not yet. She keeps in memory and constantly recites to herself the 91st Psalm which reads:
1 He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
3 Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.
4 He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
5 Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;
6 Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.
7 A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.
8 Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.
9 Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;
10 There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.
11 For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.
I stood, awed by her faith in the face of terror. I asked if I could pray for her and she accepted. In a quiet moment we shared something very personal and intimate. I am mindful that it was Good Friday. I am grateful to know that Jesus suffered the pain and sicknesses of his people and the bands of death that he may know how to succor his people (See Alma 7:11-12). I am also grateful for members of my faith and many others who chose to fast yesterday to petition God that he may end this pandemic, protect healthcare workers, bless the economy and strengthen us all. I indeed know that angels have charge over us.
This morning as I checked in on the unit, one of the nurses was pumping milk from the patient with the new baby. It was asked if there was a way to medically cause her milk to dry up. The ICU doctor responded to keep up the pumping because her milk may contain precious antibodies that could prevent infection. There are studies just now underway testing “convalescent serum” or fluid containing antibodies from survivors, to see if that could mitigate the course of the disease in the critically ill.
I am mindful of X-ray technicians, phlebotomists, ER workers, sanitation staff who may not have as much personal interaction as caregivers but nonetheless are in harms way and courageously come to work each and every day. As I drove into the hospital last night, there was a sign that read, “Heroes Work Here.” I teared up a bit then but even more so now after witnessing first hand the heroes at work last night. I had just remarked to my wife prior to going into the hospital how we live in such a bubble, surrounded by the beauty of spring and even in the relatively low numbers of COVID here in St. Louis compared to much of the country. Is it really worth the damage to the economy and our nation to stay locked down for so long? I ask you to consider looking into the eyes of these courageous workers and ask them. To let this virus run unchecked will completely overwhelm our capacity as a health care system. We have got to buy time and flatten the curve so that we can put in place aggressive testing which we do not at the moment have the capacity to do. That is the only way out of this pandemic safely. So for all of you who are staying home, you are my heroes too.
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